Friday, February 25, 2005

Hunter Hunts Himself

It was an irony for me that I had just returned the movie Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas the week before Mr. Thompson committed suicide.

Having just survived a trade show in Las Vegas, I thought it poignant to rent the flick. I had read his book years before but my mind needed the no effort reflection of just laying in a chair watching lights and moving lips. Halfway through the film I realized that I had just seen every lizard like character out of Hunter’s imagination in the real casinos and a few more that even he hadn't hallucinated about. It scared me that I had conjured up all these creatures on my own without the benefit of any good mescaline.

It caused me to ponder about the past. Did we take drugs when we were young just to be able to see what we would have seen with old age and wisdom?

Hell no, we just wanted to push the envelope without ever having to lick it.

Here’s to Hunter, a brilliant mind that was always on the brink of think.


PS. Do you think anyone inherited his big brown bag of drugs? Does good windowpane of the 60’s last beyond 45 years?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Bush Belly

When he eats, he cannot say anything stupid. Posted by Hello

After an exhaustive physical exam, President Bush was pronounced fit but had a case of jelly belly. He conceded to eating too many donuts on the campaign trail.

Doctors gave reporters detailed information on the president's cholesterol levels, blood pressure, mild coronary artery calcification, high frequency hearing loss, farsightedness, and a topographical body map of all his moles. With this abundance of information, why didn’t they give us an analysis of his stool sample, too?

The physicians failed to give information on the only thing the world is interested in knowing. Can this 58-year-old president still get an erection to keep our first lady from becoming a total bitch and not have a heart attack in the process?

Friday, December 10, 2004

Laptop Lover

Hot bot bottom. Posted by Hello

New studies show that heat generated by laptops placed in close proximity to men’s scrotums can damage their sperm.

One young man responded with, “I am not worried. Guys need access to the joystick when we surf the porn sites, so we put the laptop on the table. Besides, I can write code to create my virtual girlfriend that looks better than anybody that would go out with me. The best part is that she only says and screams what I want to hear. I figure in a few years I’ll just add a couple of virtual kids.”
See the Movie

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Gun Metal

Mega Metal Death. Posted by Hello

At a heavy metal rock concert in Columbus, Ohio, Nathan Gale, 25, of nearby Marysville opened fire on the band. The lead guitarist of Damageplan was fatally shot.

Gale was heard yelling, “I thought this was supposed to be a Guns 'N Roses concert. These guys suck! Here is my damage plan!” At that point he began shooting.

Heavy metal groups now in fear of their lives are discussing ways to prevent future attacks. A Megadeath member said, “Maybe we should change our name”. The lead guitarist also suggested getting bulletproof guitars. Another heavy metal band member said, “Playing better music might be a good idea, too”.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Chastity Chain Thong

Ouch! Posted by Hello

This new thong from Victoria’s Secret is the perfect gift for women that need some excitement in their lives. Wear this metal thong to the airport through the security checkpoint and you will be guaranteed to have someone frisk you.

Men who purchase this item for their special girl have a 50 / 50 chance of an evening of romance. She will take it off in a heartbeat because it hurts like hell to wear. Men will only have to worry if she decides to beat them with the thong because it is such a crummy gift.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Supreme Court – Roe vs. Wad

Roe stands alone while lawyers watch. Posted by Hello

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Monday that San Diego officials were right to fire a police officer who sold sexually explicit videotapes of himself in uniform. Roe was fired in June 2001 after his supervisor discovered the sex videos were being sold on eBay. In the videos, Roe performs a striptease in his police uniform and then masturbates.

Roe was asked why he made the tapes. He stated that due to the city of San Diego’s pension fund deficit, the city decided to sell calendars of naked officers to generate retirement money. Roe said the idea was impotent. He just decided to take the matter into his own hand and generate a steady stream of cash flow.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Intellectually Challenged

"Ahhhhh, what was I saying?" Posted by Hello

President Bush is pressing Congress to pass his intelligence bill. Even Bush realizes that he will not be able to invade any more countries until he introduces at least one piece of legislation that has the word intelligence in it. The president said, “This one is a no brainer. I will be able to pretend that I actually know what is going on."

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Sex Patch Promises in the Dark

Another disappointing sexual encounter. Posted by Hello

The FDA is currently reviewing Procter & Gamble Co.’s testosterone patch for boosting sexual desire in women. Studies question the benefits of the drug Intrinsa. Women using the patch only had about one more satisfying sexual experience over a one-month period than women using a placebo.

Get a clue Procter & Gamble. No patch is going to make a woman’s lousy lover any better than they were before she wore the patch. Either that woman should give her partner a copy of the Kama Sutra or she should look for somebody else to have sex with.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Mad Bull at the Border

Bush behind bars at the Canadian border. Posted by Hello

In protest of Bush’s visit to Canada, border patrol agents strip searched the president at the border crossing. Canadians wanted to demonstrate to Bush how they are treated when crossing the border into America.

Bush was heard yelping “Yee doggies, Canadians sure have cold hands up here”. Border agents confiscated two ten ounce steaks from the president. It was speculated that he planned to swap them for the beef he was to be served at the diplomatic dinner.

The Canadian Prime Minister Martin said, “It wouldn’t have mattered if Bush had been served mad cow for dinner. How is mad cow going to affect someone that is already a madman?”

Monday, November 29, 2004

Medical Marijuana Moron

Bush supporters at Supreme Court. Posted by Hello

Attorneys for the Bush administration and two California women argued over medical marijuana laws at the Supreme Court today.

Paul Clement, the Bush administration's top court lawyer, said, “Smoked marijuana really doesn't have any future in medicine”.

Clement is an idiot. Of course marijuana that is already smoked does not do anybody any good! This is a man obviously hand picked by Bush to represent his knowledge of the world.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Revenge of the Turkey

Picking out Thanksgiving dinner. Posted by Hello

Just yesterday most Americans stuffed themselves with turkey. The following day the World Health Organization (WHO) issues warnings about bird flu and a potential international pandemic. Predictions of the possible death toll could range from two to seven million people.

Would we Americans have eaten ham instead of turkey if we had read about it in the news the day before Thanksgiving?

How do those leftovers look today?

What the hell, just soak that turkey in some bourbon for a while and kill some germs.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Dan Rather’s Death Stare

A motionless Dan Rather Posted by Hello

For the first time in his career Dan Rather became speechless. During a broadcast of the evening news Rather fixated on the camera and did not move. Producers cut to a commercial and wheeled him off the set in his chair. He was still staring at the camera while holding his script in his hands.

Following that episode, Rather announced his retirement.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Martha's Fake Christmas

The tree for folks away for the holidays Posted by Hello

Martha Stewart brings home the holidays again, even from prison. Her fake 7.5 ft Spruce Christmas tree, available at Kmart, comes with 1,000 pre-lit clear lights to make your home feel festive even if you are not there. The tree looks so real, that her neighbors just might think that she got out of lock-up early for good behavior.

At a retail price of $249.99, Martha’s Christmas stocking will be filled with cash. Martha might be a bitch, but she is a smart one.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Taking the Brawl by the Balls

Official demonstrates tripping Posted by Hello

The NBA announced that it will put new requirements on the height of game officials to help prevent brawls. The new height standard will dictate that a referee must at least be able to reach the armpit of a player on their tippy toes.

Officials disagree with the new ruling and say that they have been very effective in stopping out of control players and coaches using the duck and trip method demonstrated in the picture. The shortest official interviewed said that the best brawl stopping measure would be to give them ball-grabbing authority. “I am already in the zone and I guarantee that tactic will stop them dead in their tracks. Besides, I like being short. Who wants to get hit in the head by one of those Godzilla sized players?”

The new height requirement was a compromise to those members of the NBA that wanted to force the players to wear radio controlled neck tasers to control behavior.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Bush Gets Testy with Secret Service

Secret service confronts Chilean staff over outfit. Posted by Hello

President Bush said to his secret service man, “smile to the nice Chilean security guard and stop whining about having to put on the poncho. He thinks you look cute and I need to get some dinner!”

Friday, November 19, 2004

Monday Night Football Breaks Record for Women Viewers

Owens shows off his best attribute Posted by Hello

While Terrell Owens is apologizing for his MNF skit with Nicollette Sheridan, women around the world will be glued to the tube waiting for another episode. The majority of women can only imagine what a sexual encounter would be like with a man whose tongue is larger than most other men’s genitals. It gives fantasy football a completely new meaning. So stop apologizing Terrell, and give women more.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Clinton Dedicates Library to Women

Dedication ceremony Posted by Hello

During a near death experience, prior to heart surgery, Clinton realized his presidential term would only be remembered for the women in his life. At that moment, he decided to dedicate his new presidential library to all those women who had touched him during his terms in office.

The two-story library's glass-and-steel extension over the Arkansas River illustrates a familiar Clinton theme, a "bridge to a secret room”.
All the tour guides are dressed in vintage replicas of the clothes and hairstyles, of Monica, Paula, Sally, Jennifer, Connie, Dolly, Kathleen, and Juanita.

Visitors can relive the Clinton presidency by viewing a complete replica of the Oval Office. Animators have spared no expense to create apparitions of Bill and those important women getting down to serious presidential business in his office. “This is so much better than Disneyland” one visitor exclaimed. Individuals must be 18 or older for the viewing.

On special days when Clinton visits, women can have private tours of his office, and find out just what it was like to be on his right hand. Men can pay an additional fee to wear a Clinton mask and chase one of the tour guides down the bridge to the secret room. Due to legal issues, no contact is allowed for the men.

To pay for the library, Clinton is selling all the books written by the women in his life in the library store. Each of them will donate one cent of each sale to his library in return for him selling their memoirs. An elaborate cigar kiosk is also expected to generate revenue to fund the project.

Hillary was seen at the event, smacking Bill on the back of the head with the sharp part of her umbrella. She was also heard saying to Bill “you are not getting a penny from me for this thing”.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Bush Enrolled in Special Education Class

Raising the bar for Bush Posted by Hello

Margaret Spellings, the newly appointed education secretary, will enroll President Bush in a special education class. She is the proponent of the No Child Left Behind initiative. Bush stated that he is quite excited to know that he will soon be able to read his advisor's memos and congressional bills.

Bush was slightly embarrassed however, when Margaret wiped his nose with the hanky in her hand.

New Retail Chain - Cheap & Ugly

Executives of the new Cheap & Ugly Posted by Hello

In absence of Martha's good taste, Kmart buys Sears to create the # 3 largest retail store with a new name of Cheap & Ugly. Executives are making a committment to find the cheapest and ugliest stuff on the planet. It will rival Walmart, the largest store on earth of cheap and ugly stuff.

This deal was orchestrated in China, at the last tradeshow in Guangzhou. American business owners scrambling over each other to buy the latest cheap ugly stuff, decided it was time to cut out the little guy.

The new store will have a floorplan like those in Chinese flea markets. There will be so much cheap and glittery merchandise hawked by fierce store clerks, shoppers will find themselves in a shopping frenzy fighting each other for the best deals. Executives say the merchandise will be so cheap that shoppers will be forced to return within a month to buy replacements.

Cheap and Ugly executives say this is a win win for the world. They proclaim that the Chinese will be smiling with big bowls of rice to eat while the Americans will be strutting their stuff in their new cheap shoes looking for jobs.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

The Condoleezza & Colin Chat

I got your job buddy Posted by Hello

What are Condoleezza and Colin chatting about? Vote for your favorite.

# 1 - I told you that I was going to get your job, buddy! Next time you will learn to be a better suck up, Colin.

# 2 - You owe me woman, for the new job. Meet you in the Oval office for one last game of Bill and Monica. Ok Colin, but this time I get to be Clinton.

# 3 - You are such a lucky bitch. Bush has screwed up everything around the world so bad that we don’t even need ambassadors that can speak or think anymore. All you have to do is find people that will ride around in a bulletproof car and wave.

# 4 - I can’t believe that we have to work for such an idiot. There isn’t one meeting that we go to, where he doesn’t have to have the big words defined for him through his earpiece.

See the Movie